A Letter from a Diehard Bengals Fan to her Beloved Team

The third grade girls I coach in soccer whine less than you do. 

You want to take your ball and go home if you don’t get your way, Carson Palmer?  You wouldn’t be on my team.  I don’t tolerate quitters.  I also don’t tolerate my kids being disrespectful towards their teammates by insinuating that a losing record is everyone else’s fault.  You play like you’re scared, Palmer; if a third grade girls’ soccer coach can see it, the opposing team can too.  A new team is not going to change your fear.

Not that Palmer is the only guilty party here; unfortunately for us Cincinnatians, we have quite a few quitters on our team.  Y’all think the grass is truly greener elsewhere?  Then go, take your fair weather sportsmanship, and quit wasting our time.  You guys might be sick of losing, but you haven’t been losing nearly as long as the Bengals fans here in the Nati have.  I’m not running off to support the Steelers just because my players are more concerned with their Vh1 reality star status than playing some real freaking football.  Now you all want to be traded to other teams because you can’t work together to get the job done?  Forget being traded- if I was such a failure at my job, I’d get fired.  How about you boys lose your giant contracts because you can’t win a game?  Forget the blame game, you guys just can’t do your job and other teams shouldn’t have to suffer, either.

By the way, Ochocinco, how ridiculous are you going to look when your jersey has the number 70 or whatever on it?  Remember the lessons we learned from Michael Jordan’s first retirement…  Quit showboating and learn to catch the ball.  I don’t care if you can race a horse, if you date women on TV, if you change your name, all I care about is whether or not you can play football.  As far as I can tell, you can’t.  How about you do something about that? 

Whatever happened to the love of the game?  From where I sit, all I see is the love of the almighty dollar.  You people make more in a game than I make in a year, and here you are whining about your losing season.  With that kind of attitude, why should any of us fans shell out our cash to fill a stadium to see a team with a loser’s demeanor get their asses kicked?  I can spend two bucks to see a pee wee football team play and I’ll see more heart and more professional conduct than I will at a Bengals game.  Next time you need your ego stroked, look at your paystub, if that isn’t enough, nothing will be.

I keep hearing about all this talent we have on our team.  Every once in a while, I get to see it.  More often than not, I get to see the royal screw ups that happen when a bunch of talented guys cannot work as a team.  Yet every year, here I am.  The Bengals as a whole have been a losing team for most of my life, but I’m still here, waiting for that winning season, that successful combination of talent, hard work, leadership, and commitment to coalesce into the ass kicking football team I know you guys can be.  Of course, we all know whiners can’t kick ass at anything; whiners get their asses kicked.

As for our quitters, quit then.  You aren’t here to be part of a team, you take no personal responsibility, all you care about is yourself, you have no commitment, no loyalty, and we don’t need you or want you.  Get out of our city.  I’ll take a modest committed hardworking player over a diva any day.  And that is exactly what you whining quitters are- little divas.  Cincinnati doesn’t need you.  You quit on us; no way you’ll be winning this fan back anytime soon.

And if you decide to stick around, maybe my third grade girls can give you guys lessons on how a real team works- I guarantee there will be minimum whining.  My whiners have to run laps.

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